How to Sing Like a Stevens
by Chestyr
Summary: A companion to Influenza, the Musical, only based on "How to Eat Like a Child." Re-enter the world of a singing Louis, Twitty, Tawny, Donnie, Ren, Wexler, a special Beans extravaganza, and a Nelson lament!
1. How to Sing Like a Stevens, Part One

How to Sing Like a Stevens

A take-off of the musical "How to Eat Like a Child"

And the songs "Say Yes," "Why Should a Kid Have to Walk?," "Waiting, Waiting," and "We Refuse to Fall Asleep"

Author's Note:  If you don't know any of the songs from "How to Eat Like a Child" then you probably will not understand this.  However, if you are able to find the lyrics you can juxtapose them to my songs.  

"Say Yes" (Ren, Louis, and Donnie alternate lines)

Oh my gosh, is that a duck?

Yes that's a duck!

Whose duck is it?

That's the duck that mean old butcher won't keep alive.

Will he be eaten for dinner?

Yes he'll be eaten for dinner,

He'll be chopped up in small pieces

If we don't rescue him.

Oh no!  Well, how is he with children?

He's excellent with children!

He can bite Ren's nose so hard

That he won't let go.

And how is he at waddling?

He's superior at waddling!

He can waddle here and waddle there

And waddle to and fro!

This duck won't be meat,

In our home he'll greet

Us if we only save his

Poor webbed feet.

This duck's alive

Please let him thrive,

He's the perfect addiction

To the Stevens five!

And even though he's tasty

Please don't be so hasty

This duck's our friend

Say yes!

Now, that alone won't save the poor duck from being slaughtered and eaten, but if you pay off the cook to leave him alone, it should work.

Now here is twenty dollars

It's all I've got

If you invest in the market

It'll look like a lot

So what can you buy with it?

There's a million things to buy!

You can buy a fancy wristwatch,

Give it a try.

Will it be made of plastic?

Well, plastic's durable.

You can buy Spandex elastic

Or a stirring bowl.

This duck is saved

He's not in a grave

Nobody will ever say

This duck they craved!

He's waddling and quacking and making a mess.

This duck has survived – 

You said yes!

"Why Should a Kid Have to Sing?" (Principal Wexler)

Why should a kid

Who has formed his own band

Have to sing on the roof of my school?

Which Coach Tugnut can use every day

But for kids that just isn't okay.

And why can't his sister just follow the rules

Like she does whenever else I ask?

And when Tawny Dean

Becomes friends with that "Beans"

Oh why should these kids have to sing?

Jamming on the rooftop,

Making students groove

Interrupting lunch,

Making lots of noise,

What're they trying to prove?

And another thing,

Why did Ren choose not to follow the rules

When she knows what is best for her?

I liked when she didn't take risks

Oh my stomach is knotting in twists!

In this school we have band and chorus

They can sing on the bus

And at home they can shout all they want.

Someday they'll have careers,

They can be Britney Spears,

So why do these kids have to rattle my ears?

So why do these kids have to sing?

And sing?

And sing?

And sing?

And sing?

"Dating, Dating" (Tawny)

Louis and I are over

We'll not go on a date

So why do I feel like

This is not so great?

Dating, dating

Is a mighty complicated task

Nothing's more emancipating

Than kicking your ex's a**

I bet he's prob'ly asked Monique to the dance by now

(I need a break)

He's stupid enough to eat that yucky pig chow

(Oh what a snake)

Oh, no, we're done

Nothing makes me angrier than

Dating, dating

Maybe I should have just said "yes"

Pretty soon I'll be back with him,

Why did I have to pass?

What if he never speaks to me again?

And finds a girl

Who likes him just the way he is,

Could he be so cruel?

I'd be upset

I'd leave the school

And there'd be nothing that I could do!

Oh Louis, Louis, talk to me,

You're much better than Alan Twitty.

Oh, dating, dating,

I've gotta find someone for the dance.

Louis, Louis!

No, I've already ruined my chance.

He's with Monique

And I'm alone

I'll find some loser

To escort me home

Oh Louis, oh Louis, oh Louis,

I made a mistake!

(spoken) Oh, heck, I'll just go talk to him...

"I Refuse to Be a Thief" (Ren)

(Louis, spoken) What's that in the bushes?

(Twitty, spoken) Why, it's a case full of money!

(Louis, spoken) We're rich!  We're rich!

They can force me

To keep the money

They can force me

To agree

They can force me

To split our findings

But they can't force me

To be a thief!

I refuse to be a thief

I refuse to be a thief

I'm not gonna take the chance

And buy those special pants

Which look good on me!

(Louis, spoken) Where's the money, Ren?

(Ren, spoken) I...I spent it!

(Louis, spoken) How could you have done such a thing?

(Ren, spoken) I don't know...

I'm a liar

A big fat cheater

I forced an orphan

To go without socks

I deserve to

Rot in a jail cell

Instead of snake skin

I should wear a box!

(sirens sound)

I refuse to be a thief!

I refuse to be a thief!

I can just get a refund,

But it ain't that easy, hon,

Oh, no!

I'll give it back

Just give me time

I didn't mean to

Commit this horrid crime!

So I have a sense of fashion,

How is that a sin?

It's my one slip-up,

Won't happen again!

I shouldn't have bought them,

I should have just said no,

And now I'm in trouble

With an orphan!

I refuse to be a thief

I refuse to be a thief

I decided I'll be good

And do just what I should

So there!

(toilet flushes)

I was not a sneaky thief

I was not a sneaky thief

I didn't pay for those cool pants

Now please spare me all these rants

On cash.

I returned the money, hey,

We can have its box today.

When we found it like I said,

I'd rather have been dead

Than to have been a thief.

I refused to be a thief.

I refused to be a thief.

There's a lot to be said

'Cause I'm right in the head,

And I'm no thief.

I refused...


	2. How to Sing Like an Aranguren, a Beans E...

"How to Torture Your Neighbors"

Based on the song "How to Torture Your Sister"

(Beans)

How to torture your neighbors

Is a very fine art.

For instance right off the bat

Eat their food 'til you're fat

That's a good place to start!

When Ren goes for a long run,

Fill her sports drink with slime.

(Ren) You're a brat.

(Beans) I know that.

(Ren) You're so mean.

(Beans) I'm just Beans.

(Ren) Now get out!

(Beans) Don't you shout!

(Ren) Beans, just stop!

(Beans, mimicking) Beans, just stooooooppppp!

(Ren) Stop it!

(Beans) Stop it!

(Ren) Stop it!

(Beans) Stop it!

(Ren) STOOOOOOOPPPPPP!

What a great time!

Teenage boys love my cousin.

There's no denying they do.

So when Chris comes to town

I can make them all frown

By not letting them see

The only thing they want from me.

So I'll just say,

"Only one of you can go,

But first give me a ride.

Across the ocean,

In slow motion,

With me right by your side!"

(Louis, spoken) You're not coming, Beans!

(Beans, spoken softly) Now the fun can start.

(Louis) Get out!

(Beans) Shut up!

(Louis) Get out!

(Beans) Shut up!

(Louis) OOOOUUUUUUUUTTTTTT!

I'll hit Donnie's butt

So out of Texas he'll get shut

Spill oatmeal in Ren's room

Make Louis fall to his doom

Pop right out of the air

As if I'm from nowhere

Eat their bacon

Trash their house

Sneak in quietly 

As a mouse

(Entire Stevens family) Stop it!

(Beans) Stop it!

(Stevens) Stop it!

(Beans) Stop it!

(Stevens) STTTTTOOOOOOOOPPPPP!

That's how to torture your neighbors

La, la, la, la

That's how to torture them good.

Cha cha cha cha!

*jazz hands*


	3. I Feel Sick with Nelson

**I Feel Sick**

(Nelson)

I feel sick

Awful sick

I'm allergic

To a tree

Or even

(cough)

A stick!

It's a rash

On my hand

It's a swell

In my gland

What I need

Is a good old kick in the . . . aspirin!

And though I hate to complain

My joints are hurting from the rain

'Cause I feel sick

Sick sick!

Awful, awful sick

I mean it!

My nose

Is stuffed

My foot

Can't kick!

It's a germ

It's a spore

It's a rare form of moss

And I cough

And I sneeze

And I suffer hair loss

What I need

I'm unable to get up off of my . . . aspirin!

I have found some dots

I need insulin shots

Ouch

Cough!

Sneeze!

Hack!

And I just fell down on my . . . aspirin!

So what's the use of getting out of bed

When I'll probably fall and crack my head?

(Ren) Now, Nelson, I know you feel sick, but you don't even have a fever.

Oh darn

Oh shucks

Oh crap

I'm not well

Maybe I'll just die!


End file.
